If you've never been to Mardi Gras in New Orleans, you may not quite understand what bead lust is. Contrary to popular belief, one does not need to flash one's personal assets to acquire Mardi Gras beads. No, no, not at all, no indeedy! All you really have to do is maneuver yourself into a prime location, stick your hands up in the air (both of 'em--trust me) and yell:

THROW ME SOMETHIN' MISTER!

After the first assault of beads raining down upon you, you'll never be the same . . .but don't let it carry you away. Bead Lust can be an all-consuming thing. Before you know it you'll be fighting the people on either side of you, crawling through the gutter, and climbing trees to get just one more strand. Be sure and heed these warning signs...

You know you have too many beads when:

--you bend over to pick up more beads and you can't get up

--people mistake you for Mister T

--you can smell them

--you could go topless AND unnoticed

--you could be shot and not feel it

--you can't find the beads you got three floats ago

--you can't see over your beads

--people on the float are asking *you* for beads

And in case you still haven't figured it out...

You know your Bead Lust is out of hand when:

--so what if they're grimy? They're unbroken, and they're yours!

--you have no voice from shouting "THROW ME SOMETHIN', MISTER!" all night long

--small child, best friend, nun--they're all just competition

--the little cheesy ones become decoys while you get the GOOD ones

--you convince a complete stranger to bear you on his shoulders

--you haven't eaten in days, nor left for the bathroom just to keep your spot for *all* the parades

--on the way home from the parade, you're still picking stuff up from the gutter

--you start your own krewe so you can throw them to each other instead of the crowd

--you risk your life getting run over by a float just to get those good ones in the middle

--you can clearly identify the sound of beads hitting the pavement while zeroing in on the exact location

--you can hear how many and what kind

--you can identify the store-bought ones on any passing stranger

--the "dozen" tag is still around the beads on your neck

--you ridicule your friend because you can see *her* dozen tag, and she didn't share

--even the police officers are no obstacle for you

--you can identify the beads you want and don't want while the float is still one marching band away

--it doesn't matter if they're broken--*you* can fix 'em!

--you'd gladly kiss the man in the Lucky Dog suit for his beads

--you've developed your own distinctive cry to get the float's attention

--you know what the collector's items will be on each float

--you can't remember seeing what the floats looked like by the time they go around the other side of Canal Street

--you and your friends have developed workable placement strategies for the best turn out

By the way, the optimal amount of people to take to a parade with you is four. With two, you get too many strangers cutting in on your bead action and with six, you only get two out of every dozen. More than six and you're just going to have to sell your beads to bail one of your friends out of jail for trying to cross the street during the parade.

Anne Rice...remember her? She is a member of the krewe of Orpheus, who rolled on Lundi Gras (the Monday before Mardi Gras, which always falls on a Tuesday, generally in February or March...) Anne rode on this float:

Okay, so you can't actually see Anne on the float. But she was. Right there on the front, in a hot little red number, looking like the goddess she is. I'm trying to locate some photos, so keep your eyes peeled like a grape to this page. It stopped in front of her creole cottage on St. Charles & Third and unloaded tons of beads, cups and doubloons. Santiago and David tried their valiant best to catch some of the loot thrown to her extended family (think Mayfair!) but those little nuns in the front row are pretty damn good at snatching a string of beads right out of your hand. Here's a pic of Anne's house all decorated for Mardi Gras:

Note: this is not Anne's residence on First Street, but the house she writes about in "Violin."

Sometimes you find yourself standing on Canal or St. Charles all night long if a parade gets held up because a tractor stalled, someone was so drunk they fell off their float, or a horse died. You'll definitely want a way to pass the time, so Santiago and David invented a few fun, skill-testing games!

What The Hell Am I Standing On?

This one is easy! Everyone can play -- just take turns! Is it squishy? Left-over pizza! Is it wet? Beer (you hope!) Is it crunchy? Could be beads! Is it sticky? Well...could be just about anything. The problem with this game is...sometimes it's better not to know.

How Can We Get It Out Of The Tree?

This is a team sport! Try to see how you can get beads out of a tree -- even if they've been there since last Mardi Gras. The older the beads, the more points you score! Need to stand on a trash can? Climb the tree, or shake it? Lift your friend up on your shoulders? The winning team is the one who recruits a guy with a cane to pull stuff down!

Love Thy Neighbor

In this game, you try to con the complete stranger standing next to you into giving you beads (although you also score points for getting strangers to lift you up to get the beads out of the tree.) Common game-plays include "Gee, this is my first Mardi Gras ever!" "Ooooh...I really wanted an Orpheus medallion! But...I wasn't as fast as you..." and "I'm going to flash the next float."

Have fun!